A Real Christmas Letter

You know how everyone always sends out those cheese-tastic Christmas letters tucked neatly away into their glittery cards?  Usually I love them...I mean, come on, who doesn't want to know the cute little story of how the Smith children out-performed all the other elementary school kids on their aptitude tests and have made the honor roll for the billionth time in a row? And who doesn't want to know about all the fabulous vacations, new cars, and promotions the Joneses enjoyed this past year?  Indeed, Christmas just wouldn't be the same if it weren't for those letters reminding us all of how insignificant our lives are compared to others.  I decided to write my own Christmas letter to pack into our cards this year, and this is a little preview of how it goes:

"Merry Christmas one and all.  This year has been pretty wonderful, and of course we wanted to share with you all the fabulous events that we've enjoyed in the past months.  Like, for example, the fact that Brandon graduated from Med school and started his residency out in the lovely Washington state with his new bride, me.  Also, we wouldn't want you to forget that we enjoyed the most beautiful wedding in May, and now are nestled in newlywed bliss.  And of course you should know that Rachel is busying working on her Master's degree in marriage and family therapy.  However, instead of going into detail about all this we thought we'd spare you the 'same old same old' and let you in on some things that you may not know.  They are as follows:

1.  Brandon is a bed hog.

2. Rachel practices therapy she learns in school on Brandon, who somehow always sees through her ruse.

3. Brandon has taken up knitting in his spare time to ease the residency stress. Unfortunately, he is better at it than Rachel and she somewhat resents him for this.

4. Rachel has a liking for vintage clothing she'll never wear, and thus is not allowed to travel to parts of the Olympia antique district without Brandon as a chaperone.

5. Brandon is the envy of all the other interns because of the killer lunches his wife packs him, which is interesting because he protests getting the same thing every day.

6. Rachel has learned the ancient art of bread-making by hand and uses this talent to bribe her husband.

7. Brandon has learned that cuddling is less expensive than turning on the heater at night.

8. Brandon has also learned that turning on the heater at night means his wife might actually shave her legs. 

9. In her spare time Rachel has taken up sewing, quilting, digital scrap-booking, knitting, crocheting, and needlepoint - and has yet to finish one project.

10. Rachel and Brandon enjoy 'thrifty date night' in which they go to Barnes and Nobles and read for four hours, then leave the store without purchasing the book.  This date night continues until their respective books are completely read.

11. Brandon makes a mean french toast on the weekends, but it takes Rachel getting mean for him to actually make it.

12. Rachel loves Brandon's uniform.

13.  Brandon does NOT love Rachel's pink felt vintage dress.

14. 440 square feet is the perfect amount of apartment space for newlyweds, assuming you own nothing.

Well there you have it, that's our Christmas letter.  We hope this year finds you all swimming in wealth and material goods...oh yeah, and peace and joy and all that too!"

*For the record, I actually do like the letters and I hope I have not intimidated you into not sending me one.  I have only received one so far this year, and unfortunately it was one of those that made me gag in my mouth.  Hence why I wrote this post.  So for the rest of you, happy Christmas letter writing!